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When I was growing
up, in a very dysfunctional family, I remember being angry, physically abusive to my sister and rageful at times.
I attempted suicide
on several occasions and was hospitalized four times by the age of 15. At 16
I left home for good, drank, had a lot of sex and married a guy I knew for only 3 weeks by the age of 17. I’m very fortunate
not to have contracted HIV. I divorced and remarried by the age of 19.
My rages and depression started
getting worse and the years went by. After having my first child, 3 months after
marrying the second time, I was ok for a while. Then I had the same symptoms. I ended up getting a second divorce 2 kids and 5 years later. I was finally diagnosed at age 28 and started on Lithium, then Depakote.
I gained tremendous
weight, so I quit taking my meds. I ended up pregnant again, yes 4 kids! I love them dearly, but know that I need to be right in my mind to be a good mother. I know that I’m having trouble when I see little people climbing up my window
sill in the middle of the night. Does anyone else have these types of hallucinations?
Now my 7 year old son
has been diagnosed. Seeing him struggle with his emotions and demons that plague
him hurts me deeply. I can’t help but feel responsible. He is now in his second month and just starting to get better on the meds.
I’m trying not to go on, but there is so much to say that I can’t tell anyone else. I feel awful and anxious when I’m in a slump and my house could be a haven for rats. Even though I see it and it bothers me to the point of fear, I just can’t do anything about it. Staying
in bed for days is not unheard of. Then there’s now, where I’m up
late, my house is emasculate and I have boundless energy. It doesn’t last. I’m not on meds not due to nursing, but I remember when I was on them how good
I felt. Even to the point that when something should bother me, like my husband
leaving us without money for food, rent, bills, etc. because he spent it, I didn’t react. I need to find a balance.
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