I wish all of you peace and healing

 

 

I am a 43 year old mother of three, (11, 20 and 22 years of age). I am a web designer and computer technician. My first suicide attempt was at age 6. I have suffered mania and depression all my life. I am completely self-educated as I could never happily exist in group educational experiences. Fortunately reading and research have always been my joy and salvation.

 

For many years I had no idea what was wrong with me. I feel very empowered in my manic phases, and feet clever, (mentally and physically). In this phase, people find me very charismatic and I love myself and others, and am very creative and productive. I can also make the most incredibly stupid business  decisions at this time, and some of my "creative ideas" can be quite unrealistic. My manic phases can also jump to extreme irritability and impatience with others. Of course, all I can see at this stage is that everyone is an idiot, and engaged in a giant worldwide conspiracy to piss me off. This is when my "charisma" wears off and I end up alienating many fine people. Fortunately, all my life I have had at least a couple of understanding friends and family who have stood by me, despite the confusion hurt I must cause them.

 

When I inevitably crash into depression, I am filled with remorse and horror at the    abusive and mean things I have said to people and spend a lot of time "cleaning up"   after myself, explaining, apologizing, trying to make it up to them. Some people have responded favorably to this, others have rejected me forever after. (I can't really blame them).

 

I have had life long insomnia, and so do not sleep for hours and hours when depressed. I force myself to shower everyday and clean up the house and perform the minimal duties I can get away with and then just read book after book after book. I find this almost like meditation to me, and the only way I can get through this period. Otherwise my mind is    occupied with planning suicide. I have written out my will and final      instructions about a gazillion times. I know every method of suicide there is, I am sure, and sometimes I wonder how it is that I am still here.

 

I have never been hospitalized, as I have always been afraid that if anyone knew how "crazy" I am I would never get out.

 

I am trying to recognize my different phases at the early stages, and try to control them, and at least warn my family and loved ones when I feel an "episode" coming on. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes not, but I am determined to somehow gain control over this condition. It is so helpful to read of other's experiences with this disorder, and makes me feel less alone. It let's me know that other's do understand and relate to this. It is a hard one to explain to someone who has not been there. I wish all of you peace and healing.

 Source: National Mental Health Association