Negative self-talk:
Are you experiencing any of these destructive kinds of thinking?
Types of negative thinking:
Negative thoughts are usually distorted. We have trouble seeing things as
they really are, often exaggerating our thoughts.
The following is a list of ways our thinking can be distorted:
1. Filtering: You see and hear only the things
you have selected. Your attention is awakened only by particular kinds of information loss, rejection, unfairness, and
so on. You have blind spots that obscure evidence of your worth. It’s as though you only let in the information
that matches the way you feel about yourself.
2. Polarizing: This is often referred to as
“black and white’ thinking. This can be particularly damaging to self-esteem, since you will see yourself
as worthless if you aren’t absolutely perfect. Watch for self-talk that sounds like “If I mess this up,
I’m a hopeless failure.”
3. Overgeneralization: This is a common distortion
that plagues a lot of us. It has to do with taking one isolated fact or event and making a general rule out of it.
For example, one date with an ice skater does not go well, so you decide that all ice skaters will find you boring.
When you hear these words in your self-talk, listen up! These are clues to overgeneralization: never, always, all, every,
none, everyone, nobody, etc.
4. Mind Reading: This is when your self-talk
assumes that everyone else is exactly like you. Mind reading is fatal to self-esteem, because you are especially liable
to think that everyone agrees with your negative opinions of yourself. When you mind read, you think your perception
is right and you act as if it is right, never stopping to check out what other people’s reality is. Say you have
a friend who frowns a lot. You leap to conclusions without any real evidence that they are mad at you.
5. Self-blame: You blame yourself for everything,
whether it’s your fault or not. You feel responsible for things that are out of your control.
6. Personalization: This is the “it’s
all about me” self-talk. The way this shows up in negative self-talk and damages your self-esteem is that any
time there is mention of a problem, you automatically assume that they are talking about you. You negatively compare
yourself to others.
7. Control Fallacies: Control fallacies either
put you in control of the whole universe, or put everyone but you in charge. You struggle to control every aspect of
every situation. You hold yourself responsible for everything that goes wrong. You either feel that you have total
responsibility for everything, or feel that you have no control and are a helpless victim always waiting for someone else
to fix things.
8. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about
how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.
9. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people
will change to suit you if you just pressure them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness
seem to depend entirely on them.
10. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities
into a global judgment. If you catch yourself fixing labels on everything that once and for all defines them in a negative
light, watch yourself. You may be labeling things as a way to avoid dealing with them in a dynamic way. Here are some
clues: My house is a pigsty, I’m a poor money manager, my boss is a grouch, my roommate is a slob, I’m awful at
math, etc.
