"I can't do that!"

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm fat and ugly."

This is the kind of negative self-talk that feeds low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Negative self-talk is an accumulation of self-limiting messages that has become a habit. Breaking this destructive habit is possible, though it takes repetition and practice to learn more constructive and helpful ways of thinking.

Most negative self-talk is false, irrational, and self-defeating. We develop a habit of negative self-talk to protect ourselves. We use it to keep from trying things that may be scary or uncomfortable. "I can't do this" may really be a way of saying: "I don't want to face the risk of failing at this."

But our feelings don't have to control us. We can choose not to feel angry, guilty or frustrated. But to develop this control, we must learn to avoid negative self-talk and develop the habit of positive thinking.

Negative thoughts often come so automatically that we are unaware of them. We start to feel anxious, sad or depressed, but we do not notice the thoughts that are causing us to feel that way. In order to counter these thoughts and feel better, we first need to "catch ourselves in the act" of negative self talk.

It can be difficult to recognize our negative self talk for what it is because it can come quickly and automatically. Breathe deeply to relax and focus on what you are saying to yourself. Ask: What am I saying that is making me feel badly? - Do I really want to do this to myself?

Examine your self talk. Test the validity of your perceptions by asking yourself questions, such as:

Negative self-talk:

Are you experiencing any of these destructive kinds of thinking:

Catastrophizing: Bad things are disasters. Learn to recognize that some bad things are merely inconveniences or mistakes.

Thinking in "shoulds: Replace the words should, ought, or must with the word "could"

Black or white thinking: Distorting reality by thinking only in extremes. Our efforts become total failures or complete successes—with nothing in between. Try to see the parts of the whole, and give yourself options and coices. 

Expecting the worst: Turn "What if I don't pass the exam?" into "How can I prepare for the exam?"

Negative labels: Replace "I'm fat" with "I make unhealthy choices when it comes to food." It's easier to change a behavior, than to change your identity.

Positive Self-Talk:

Write down a positive and nurturing statement that counteracts the negative self-talk. For example, change:

"I'll never get this done" to "I've been on tight deadlines before and I usually manage to get the job done."

"I'll never survive this." to "I have come through worse than this"

"I can't sleep thinking about this." to "This isn't worth worrying about - I'm going to let it go"

"I can't do this." to "This is an opportunity to learn something new."

Positive self-talk can be motivating, build self confidence, and keep you focused on accomplishing goals. It coaches you to succeed despite the obstacles you face. If you're thinking: "I don't have the energy to exercise", replace the negative thought with a positive and encouraging one: "I can start slowly by going for a short walk."

Practice thinking positive thoughts every day:

I will lose weight because I am learning to eat more nutritiously.

I am a kind person.

I have had successes in my career and I will have more successes in my career.

I deserve to pursue happiness.

This is an opportunity to learn and grow.

I try to surround myself with supportive, positive people.

I can accomplish this goal by taking it one step at a time.

Record your observations in a notebook and refer to it when you find yourself experiencing negative self talk.

Learn to turn your negative self-talk to positive self-talk and watch your mood improve.

Sources: University of California, Berkeley

Develop the Habit of Healthy Self -Talk!

Taking Charge! A Guide for Teenagers: Practical Ways to Overcome Stress, Hassles and Upsetting Emotions. By: Dr Sarah Edelman and Louise Rémond