When I am accepting myself, my illness, my past and looking towards a hopeful future, I can say I love myself and I love my life.  I can tell myself positive affirmations.  I can accept physical conditions and physical pain. 

 I don’t put pressure on myself or focus on the small details of things that don’t really matter in the big picture of life.  I don’t get upset if the house isn’t perfectly clean or the grass is a little high.  Small tasks, such as taking out the garbage or doing the dishes, become easy.

 I can enjoy looking other people in the eye and saying ‘hello, how are you today?’ and meaning it.  I know I am easier to get along with and I enjoy being around other people.

 I feel a sense peace and confidence and life seems to go at an even pace.  I can focus on the moment and enjoy things like the sunset or a flower.  I appreciate things for what they are.

 When my mood shifts to the hate relationship I feel like a different person.  I am unhappy and small tasks or issues become monumental. Depression sets in.  Sometimes I feel like I am a lead weight when I try to get out of bed.  I am constantly telling myself negative things like ‘I can’t do that’ or ‘I don’t deserve that’.  I hate affirmations because I don’t believe them and just don’t want to hear it. 

 I don’t like being around other people and I isolate.  I make excuses not to go out.  When I do go out I find my anxiety level high and my panic attacks are more frequent. 

 I don’t care about my health or how I treat my body.  I don’t eat healthy and exercise is out of the question. 

 It becomes hard to work on a recovery plan.

 Sometimes outside influences or situations will help my mood to improve.  Things going well at work, getting something new, someone making a nice compliment to me, losing a pound or a good movie will improve my mood.  I will feel better when I accomplish a goal.  This can be something that because of my attitude has become a huge task, such as taking out the garbage, or something more tangible like finishing a project at work (and of course   getting compliments on it).

 My recovery goal with this love/hate relationship or good/bad mood is foremost to completely accept myself—both the good and the bad—and stop the flip-flopping from one extreme to the other.  The other part of the goal to help the mood changes is to not have to depend on outside things (people or events) to help me get out of the bad mood and ‘hatred’.  I want to be able to rely on myself for the ‘pat on the back.’  Not letting the things in my life or what I do define who I am and how I feel about myself.

 I have been told that everyone has the up’s and down’s about life and changing moods but I go to the extreme.  My goal is to learn to be at a place where my changes are not extreme but subtle so that my life is not disrupted.

by Candace True who was diagnosed bipolar in 2004 and continues on the path of recovery.

Psychosocial Rehabilitation Recovery Center DORN VA Medical Center Columbia, SC