Recently it's come to my attention that I may be bipolar. I'm 19 and living on my own far away from my parents who I sought to escape when I came to college. Depression runs in my family and they have been on my case for ages trying to get me to see someone about it.

I decided to do my own research and I was astonished, the symptoms for bipolar read like me own personal rap sheet. All of what I thought were my most endearing qualities are symptoms. I still wasn't sure however, as I didn't seem to match any of the requirements of depressive moods and periods. After talking to my friend however I was shocked to find how many emotional collapses I had had, that I has simply forgotten about. He keeps a journal daily an in it he has letters I've written him when I was certainly on the brink of something.

Besides him, my friends haven't taken the information very well, none of them are serious and they think it's just another one of my dramatic stunts. I'm hurt, but I understand where they are coming from, none of them has ever seen past the bright cheerful facade which I wear like a tight suit. Many of them aren't aware of my breakdowns, my suicide attempts, my thoughts of death, memory loss, etc... I've gotten into a terrible cycle of spending every dime I make and not being able to account for it.

The other day I checked myself into a psychiatric facility because I didn't want to return to my apartment alone. After four hours of being shuffled around, filling out insurance forms and talking to people, I finally saw a doctor. At the same time, I panicked and fled against their advice. After talking to my doctor I've been referred to several good mental health doctors whom I am going to begin seeing.

At first I was confused and upset, ambivalent and silly about having bipolar. At the same time I am relived. There were so many things up in my head which didn't make sense that now fall into place. I'm confident with a little time and help; I can get things back into order before I completely lose control.