I have been bipolar for the past 10 years (as far as I remember anyway, although my mother says that I have always been "moody" - who knows?). My behavior has always been extremely erratic, but when I was a teenager my parents probably just chalked it up to being, well - a teenager. It started out harmless enough - I used to change the color of my hair every few weeks (my friends called me the "dye queen" and thought it was actually somewhat funny, but I happen to be very impulsive - and I think I was always trying to be someone else, anybody but me)

When I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. When I was 18 years old I was diagnosed with Bulimia (I went from weighing 103 lbs and being 5 feet 8 inches, to weighing 160 lbs - then going down to 115 lbs again). I saw a Psychologist at this time in my life (for about two years). She didn't seem to help me much, so I gave up on the whole "talking it out" thing. I figured I would make myself better (I have always been very head strong, and once I made up my mind - no one could change it).

I can't even tell you some of the completely outrageous things I have done while I was in a manic state. Besides, I would be typing all day long if I were to write them all down. Most of the time it was like I was a puppet and someone else was pulling the strings, but in a way that statement makes it seem like I don't want to claim responsibility for my actions which is not what I am trying to say. But my fellow Bipolar suffers, I know you know exactly what I mean by this.

For the most part I consider myself hypomanic, which is good I guess. I am rarely depressed (knock on wood), except for when I am PMSing, but I guess that is somewhat normal. I don't take meds on a regular basis (because I like being hypomanic, that is when I do my best writing and as corny as it may sound, writing is a big part of my life. Without it, I wouldn't be able to be me, and then who would I be?) although if I feel a little depressed, I take a Xanax here and there (I try not to drink, because it either gets me into trouble or I start smoking again, so I try to stick to the Xanax when I am feeling pressure, stress, or depressed) because the depression is what scares me the most - the last time I was severely depressed, I either lost too much weight or gained too much weight. I also tend to hide from the world and not talk to anyone - not even my family (which is what being depressed is, but I tend to be somewhat introverted anyway), which frightens the hell out of me because I always get scared that I'll get stuck in that phase, wallowing in my rock-bottom depression, never able to escape.