I am a 24 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had had several depressive
episodes while in college, but I never realized that my sometimes explosive temper and what I always thought was “bad
PMS” was really manic episodes. After I went through a horrific divorce
from a mentally ill man who thought as long as I did what he wanted, he would be well (hint, it doesn’t work!), and
lost a wonderful job, I entered a severe depression that was not treated for two years.
It got so bad I slashed my legs up with an Exacto knife to put the pain on the outside, and I voluntarily admitted
myself to the state mental health hospital.
I was diagnosed as depressive (what a surprise), but the doctor, when I told him about my racing thoughts
(I didn’t know that was abnormal, I thought everyone had them), wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer which I said no
to, I was just depressed, I didn’t need the other drugs, this was temporary, I would get over it. Within two days of being placed on Prozac, I had an awful manic episode, had a screaming crying panic attack
while on an overnight visit at home (I went back to the hospital after 2 hours outside), and while I waited for the doctor
to come back to work, I frantically crocheted an afghan, walked around the hospital grounds four times, and seriously thought
about walking off the grounds of Oklahoma City (the hospital was 30 miles outside OKC, but I still thought this was possible).
I spent the weekend popping Vistaril so I wouldn’t explode with all the energy that flooded through
me. As soon as the doctor came back on Monday, I saw him and said, “You
know, that mood stabilizer sounds like a good idea.” They couldn’t put me on lithium because I have rheumatoid
arthritis and the meds I take for that does nasty things to lithium levels. I
placed on Neurontin and the day I was on the full 900 mgs, I was calm for the first time in my life. I had thought everyone usually felt like their mind was running 90 miles ahead of their body.
The doctor still hadn’t said the phrase “bipolar” to me; instead saying I was depressed
with borderline tendencies (because of self-harm).
When I was released from the hospital, I started going to a doctor and a therapist and the Central
Oklahoma Community Mental
Health Center. When I had an odd reaction to one of my meds, I sneaked a look at my chart when the doctor wasn’t
looking and saw in clear type “axis II-Bipolar Disorder”. I freaked
out when I got home.
I have had physical problems for most of my life, but I always depended on my mind. I’m a fairly smart person, was valedictorian of my high school, was in the honors program in college,
have a B.A. and I am a writer. The fact that I had a serious mental disorder
blew my mind that this was not going to be a temporary thing that this was for life.
I’ve calmed down a little, mostly because I have learned how common it is, and how it doesn’t have to ruin
my life. Knowing I’m not the only one has helped a lot.
It doesn’t have to ruin your life. You just have
to realize it’s the same type of deal as if you are diabetic and have to take insulin.
Sometimes you feel great, but if you don’t take it, you’ll get sick.
I refuse to let it rule my life, now I know what I have struggled with most of my life.
Source: National Mental Health Association
